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"The parent who can delight in discovering the childs personality and temperment rather than creating and conforming the child are good candidates"

(tree outside dad's house)

I have recently discovered, as of today, i am venturing into an unknown territory in which i have no feeling or sure vision of the outcome. I can always grasp onto a feeling and know somehow the outcome of a situation will be good or bad, neither is better than the other, but somehow i just know.
When i close my eyes, i can feel our child. I know they are out there...inside i feel them. However, when i think of actually travelling to Ukraine, i get nothing....its an unknown. When i think of actually getting on a plane and going and being in another country, i don't feel a thing....where is that feeling? What does that mean?
I know to some people, hearing about someone who is intuitive sounds crazy, but i don't care about any one's opinion on the matter, especially one i know and feel so strongly about. Yes, i will admit it to the world, I am quite intuitive. Not on all matters, i rely solely on feelings. I don't mean emotions like happy, sad, i mean that feeling inside. Everybody has it. And a lot of the time, i just know things. I am not a know-it-all and i hate when people think i am, i just know things. I am not better than you for it, or lesser, or anything because i don't compare to others, ever. That is not a healthy way to live.
So back to this black hole of feeling.....it scares me a little bit. We are adopting from Ukraine, we will travel, we will have to actually pick out our child, we will be running around a different country trying to conduct ourselves the best we can in a world completely unfamiliar to us. This is basically a business trip only we are in the child finding business which isn't a business thing at all! So why then?
I believe in the power of our thoughts. I know you are in control of your own universe. I am learning to harness that and understand. I think and dream of this trip, i imagine all the highs and lows that will come about. I know from study, that this trip will not be all fun and games. Its going to be hard, and emotionally taxing. I know since the youngest the child could possibly be is 18 months, we will be returning home with a toddler. A young little life who right of the bat will need us to be knowing, capable, patient, along with the obvious things like food, clothes, play, discipline.... But why still cant i feel it.
I can read all the books in the world, but when it come down to it, still feel completely clueless. I have been around many toddlers...i love that age! They are so fun and learn so much everyday, and we have to be ready for that right now.
I never get scared or nervous when it comes to important issues because of what i feel inside, but i admit i am really scared. Mostly because i cant connect to that feeling. I feel out of balance. I feel lost. I don't want this to make me sad, or anything negative. I am moving forward. I am really good at taking things as they come and not worry now. I know that will keep me strong. But i am scared. So many minor details have changed on this journey that in fact, this is a completely different journey all together! Maybe that is why i cant connect because i have been thinking this as one process. Its not one or two or even a process at all, this is my life. This is our life.