Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

"The parent who can delight in discovering the childs personality and temperment rather than creating and conforming the child are good candidates"

(tree outside dad's house)

I have recently discovered, as of today, i am venturing into an unknown territory in which i have no feeling or sure vision of the outcome. I can always grasp onto a feeling and know somehow the outcome of a situation will be good or bad, neither is better than the other, but somehow i just know.
When i close my eyes, i can feel our child. I know they are out there...inside i feel them. However, when i think of actually travelling to Ukraine, i get nothing....its an unknown. When i think of actually getting on a plane and going and being in another country, i don't feel a thing....where is that feeling? What does that mean?
I know to some people, hearing about someone who is intuitive sounds crazy, but i don't care about any one's opinion on the matter, especially one i know and feel so strongly about. Yes, i will admit it to the world, I am quite intuitive. Not on all matters, i rely solely on feelings. I don't mean emotions like happy, sad, i mean that feeling inside. Everybody has it. And a lot of the time, i just know things. I am not a know-it-all and i hate when people think i am, i just know things. I am not better than you for it, or lesser, or anything because i don't compare to others, ever. That is not a healthy way to live.
So back to this black hole of feeling.....it scares me a little bit. We are adopting from Ukraine, we will travel, we will have to actually pick out our child, we will be running around a different country trying to conduct ourselves the best we can in a world completely unfamiliar to us. This is basically a business trip only we are in the child finding business which isn't a business thing at all! So why then?
I believe in the power of our thoughts. I know you are in control of your own universe. I am learning to harness that and understand. I think and dream of this trip, i imagine all the highs and lows that will come about. I know from study, that this trip will not be all fun and games. Its going to be hard, and emotionally taxing. I know since the youngest the child could possibly be is 18 months, we will be returning home with a toddler. A young little life who right of the bat will need us to be knowing, capable, patient, along with the obvious things like food, clothes, play, discipline.... But why still cant i feel it.
I can read all the books in the world, but when it come down to it, still feel completely clueless. I have been around many toddlers...i love that age! They are so fun and learn so much everyday, and we have to be ready for that right now.
I never get scared or nervous when it comes to important issues because of what i feel inside, but i admit i am really scared. Mostly because i cant connect to that feeling. I feel out of balance. I feel lost. I don't want this to make me sad, or anything negative. I am moving forward. I am really good at taking things as they come and not worry now. I know that will keep me strong. But i am scared. So many minor details have changed on this journey that in fact, this is a completely different journey all together! Maybe that is why i cant connect because i have been thinking this as one process. Its not one or two or even a process at all, this is my life. This is our life.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Creative Writing

I have been reading What We Ache For by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, a book about unfolding your creativity. I have had many breakthrough's while reading this book and doing the creative exercises through out. The exercise today really opened my heart and mind.... (I realize some things may seem funny or wierd, but in all honesty, i am funny and wierd)

Make a list of all the roles you fulfill and with which you identify:
Animal Listener

I am not a Wife, but the place where Wife arises.
I am not a Friend, but the place where Friend arises.
I am not a Lover, but the place where Lover arises.
I am not a Worker, but the place where Worker arises.
I am not a Spiritualist, but the place where Spiritualist arises.
I am not a Caretaker, but the place where Caretaker arises.
I am not a Singer, but the place where Singer arises.
I am not a Writer, but the place where Writer arises.
I am not a Hairstylist, but the place where Hairstylist arises.
I am not an Artist, but the place where Artist arises.
I am not a Sister, but the place where Sister arises.
I am not a Daughter, but the place where Daughter arises.
I am not an Anchor, but the place where Anchor arises.
I am not a Dreamer, but the place where Dreamer arises.
I am not a Realist, but the place where Realist arises.
I am not a Teacher, but the place where Teacher arises.
I am not a Student, but the place where Student arises.
I am not an Animal Listener, but the place where Animal Listener arises.
I am not a Mother, but the place where Mother arises.

- I am not any one thing. I am not the characteristic, but the house for which these arise. Heavenly Father created our spirits to soar, our spirits are not defined by characteristic, they are where characteristics or ideas arise.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Must be strangely excited, somewhat heart-telling

News everyday. News from those around you, those you don't know, news about yourself. Some feel sad, others happy. Sometimes its quite affecting to your soul.
Should all you hear affect you so? If one then why not all? Have we the right to judge what is important to feel and what should not?
When we finally feel, and our deeply affected, everything is significant. It is said we must be compelled to be humbled so we can then truly see and therefore really soar to true heights.
When i am compelled to humility, i feel as though maybe i should always feel this way. For once i feel as though i am truly soaring i am again knocked down, i am lowered and crushed. Must i need to always be crushed. Is it then a question, of looking around while i am on the ground instead of immediately looking to the sky and wonder why i am not there, and how i can fly again.
There are feelings in my heart, things that cannot be reached unless provided by outer circumstances. Why do they limit my heart? Will i only find these answers while on the ground? My mind thinks it more easily seen from the sky, is that not meant to be for my eyes?
The ground is sure, it is steady. I am sure to find what i am looking for here. Humility will only grant me better eye-sight for this treasure i seek. I only wish to soar above the obstacles in the pathway, but that is a selfish wish. The treasure i am looking for leads my heart, selfishness only diminishes the specialness of what i will find inside when i reach it.
These wings in which we are given must not be meant for flying, but for the mere fact that WE CAN fly. And because i can does not mean i should or must. My soul and the Spirit leads my heart, i must focus on that fact and not the wings on my back. I must walk my pathway with gratitude and humility. Not looking to the sky nor the ground, but straight ahead with hope, and look around with an open heart and mind to see and to learn. Only then will my treasure be found. With my humble heart and open eyes.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Kat Von D, Lousy Stomach, and a Birthday Weekend

This is my sister Aimee. She is cute. She also is very brave when it comes to trying new things in the hair department, which of course, I LOVE!! Sometimes i will go so long doing the same thing, over and over. Don't get me wrong, i love it all and put my own twists on things to keep it interesting, but Aimee always has good ideas. Yesterday she wanted to add some blond chunks, similar to Kat Von D's hair (LA INK). Being so inspired i styled it just like Kat as well. What a good hair day :)

And so, crappily, today i am not feeling superior. My stomach is in an uproar for some reason. Now, having known my stomach for 23 years now, i am quite aware of the things which sets it off. For instance, i know i am lactose intolerant, i know when i drink alot of orange juice bad things happen. But for the life of me, i can not figure out what the heck is going on! I feel so gross! I went to sleep early not feeling good then, and woke up at around 9 a.m. still feeling yucky, then sat on the couch for a few hours still not finding an answer! Thankfully, i had a window of O.K.ness and drove myself to Sprouts and got these yummy items. Late July is my favorite brand of crackers, and i really wanted Blue Sky Lemon Lime organic soda pop, sadly they were out. But, i did find this new OOGAVE brand soda pop in Watermelon Cream. Quite delicious :)

This last weekend was Josh's birthday! I love my husband....i remember on his birthday 5 years ago when i ate his candy bar at school and i didn't even really know him yet.....sigh....Luckily i know him now and i love him more and more everyday. We celebrated in Flagstaff with his family and some friends and had a blasty blast! I had to take a picture of his outfit that morning, the shirt was a present from his brother and he actually wore this out of the cabin (eek!) He doesn't care, and i don't really either, i love the guy. It is a funny outfit is it not?? I LOVE YOU JOSHUA!!

the end

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Good day to all! To explain my absence, all i can say is that sometimes computers just make me anxious. Not sometimes, all the time. It doesn't help that ours is a bit slow either.

I am attempting to get back in touch with myself again...it seems i lose myself every once and a while. I am reading more inspirational things, trying to read my scriptures a bit more. I know that sounds cheesy, but i love history and the scriptures to me are so interesting, and historical, and very inspirational. I am starting to write more, not anything good, just thoughts and what not....writing and scriptures go along together for me because they get me thinking a lot. Not even religious so much, i wouldn't even say i am very religious, but information and stories they tell really capture my thoughts.

Religious......what is that? Am i actually religious? Hmmm.....I believe in heaven, i know i have a Heavenly Father, i know Jesus is real, i believe in the great comforter....i believe and know...i always have....i don't even know when i knew for sure or how it happened....maybe i just was born knowing, is that possible?I believe in the basic goodness of everyone on earth. I know everyone feels good, whether they portray it or not. I feel the spirit of heaven and good in music, and words. I See God in the earth, i have a great understanding for those who worship the earth and why they do. Every plant, and animal, its all amazing.. I would say yes i am spiritual, but religious, i am not sure?

Anyhoo, i am attempting also to make over my house a bit. I have ideas in my head for every room. The hard part is obtaining items when you are lacking funds. I did get my mom's vanity that was buried in the back room of my gramma's house. My gramma is so silly, she has SO much stuff. One of my most favorite things to do in life is to go through her house looking for treasures. She has so so many and i feel somewhat like i am searching for pieces of my soul in there...ok that was an exaggeration, but still, i love it. This time imparticular was not as joyous however, Josh and I took about 7 showers in one shower time after we left there. What a disaster that place is! We had to first clear a path just to get to the vanity, then when all the drawers were out, we had to clear a bigger path to get it out! Ew so gross! And on top of that, she has only swamp cooler and it was over 100 degrees outside...so yucky! Guiltily, i did find so much i wanted to take from there, i admit it, someday when we need something or have more room in a new house i will go back. I doubt Josh will go back with me, but i don't care. Treasure hunting at grandmas house is one of my favorite things :)

Another weekend, we painted long stripes on a wall in our dining area...

This picture doesn't really do it justice, i love the color we found so much! The color is called Rich Raisin! OOh beautiful! I love to paint! I could be a painter and live a happy life i think...

Good bye, till next time i start to think about something.....

Monday, June 22, 2009

HEY, i put some new shoes on!

I ordered some new shoes from Toms shoes!! For every pair of shoes, or item you buy, one pair if shoes goes to children who dont have any...most likely in ETHIOPIA! YAY! here are the ones i ordered..

I plan on decorating them to my liking since the ones i really wanted are no longer available to order! POOPOO! But this way they will look exactly how i want them too...you know i will keep ya posted on the delivery and finished product! Check out http://www.tomsshoes.com